Hideous

How can I describe it?
It's a deep seeded pain
That plants
Itself in your fat cells
And never stops screaming.
It thrives on hunger
Feeds on air
And bleeds you from the
Inside
Slowly, slowly...
It swells and expands
From your feet to your throat,
Floods your brain
And the screeching never stops.
God, it never stops.
Sometimes it sleeps
And you find peace
From the pain
Accept that it is gone,
But it never goes away.
It waits for a trigger.
A look, a comment,
A shopping trip
To flare up again
And grab you completely
Coat itself over your
Lungs and heart
To control every breath
Every movement.
How can I describe it?
It is me, dizzy at
The top of the stairs.
It is me, filling my belly
With tea
And living off the taste
Of baking soda gum.
It is me, crying after we make love.
How can I describe it?
It's trading logic for looks.
It's losing ten pounds
Every week
And never being satisfied.
It's knowing that no matter what you do,
You'll never have that paper thin waist,
Those jutting ribs, or slender thighs.
It's the throbbing knowledge that
No matter what I do,
I am hideous,
No matter how thin
The veil between now
And what's next
Becomes,
I am hideous.